Discipline With Kindness, Even When You're Angry

     Walking past the window in my three-year-old son’s room, something caught my eye. Along the trim under the windowsill were three deep holes dug into the drywall with a small screwdriver sitting on the wood floor underneath. Calling him upstairs, I sat Judah on my lap, showed him the holes in the wall, and asked him how they got there. “I don’t know, maybe a woodpecker flew in here and made them.” An obvious lie. My blood was boiling.

     After he continued his woodpecker lie for several minutes, I finally showed him the drywall dust on the tip of the screwdriver. I said I know a person made the holes in the wall with this screwdriver and asked if it was him. With tears in his eyes he wrapped his arms around my neck and cried, “It was me, it was me. I’m so sorry daddy.” That sentence, full of genuine remorse, broke through the petty anger I felt. With my wife by my side, we discussed the importance of honesty, forgiveness, trust, and living like Jesus.

     I’m grateful God gave us that moment, because, if I’m being honest, sometimes it’s hard for me to let go of that anger. I know some of you can relate to that feeling - that feeling that comes from being lied to, disobeyed, or disrespected by your children. I don’t know about you, but my temperature starts to rise whenever my kids sin against me or their mom. Although it’s not wrong to feel anger, I can easily justify letting my anger get the best of me when correcting my kids.

     In her blog post “How Should I Handle Anger While Disciplining”, author and speaker Jen Wilkin discusses the role that anger plays in the process of correcting our children. I especially needed to hear two points from her post:

• Kids have a hard time processing the anger they see in their parents. I don’t want my kids to think they have power over my emotions, but I also don’t want them to obey me simply out of fear and insecurity.
• It’s so important to analyze and debrief any anger I feel when my kids are disobedient or disrespectful. Why did that make me angry? Did I express my anger in a sinful way? Had I communicated my expectations well to my child? Answering questions like these will only help me become slower to anger and quicker to repent for my own sins.

     This idea reminds me something that author and counselor Tedd Tripp wrote in his book, Shepherding a Child’s Heart. He said,

“God calls you to be authorities who are truly kind.”

Kindness is not a character quality I usually associate with discipline. As I kindly lead my children - correcting them in love and not fueled by my anger - they will be more likely to love, forgive, and be slow to anger just like Jesus.

     Have you wrestled with the role anger plays in your family’s discipline? How can you improve to correct through kindness and not anger? How do you debrief or analyze your own emotions during times of discipline?

Discipline and Celebration: Discipleship at Home

     There's tension in my house. I try to navigate it every day with my kids, but it's tough to balance. I want my kids to grow to know, love, and live like Jesus, but I sometimes that seems like an unattainable goal. In parenting them to live like Christ, I've found two contrasting areas that are an especially difficult challenge: Discipline & Celebration.

Discipline

     Discipline is a skill that every parent learns along the way - no one comes by it naturally. All kids need to be corrected, and it's amazing to me how young kids are when they start to exhibit acts of defiance and selfishness. Without correction (and sometimes even with it!), that defiance can grow into full-blown tantrums and fits. As parents, we're tempted to choose 1 of 2 extreme responses. We can swing to one side by hesitating to correct our children at all. We let them run the show and just try to make ‘suggestions’ to their behavior. We can swing the other way and become an ultra-authoritarian ("You do what I say or else!”). This can border on tyrannical if done without compassion or restraint. Neither of these extremes is a good option because neither one points kids to Jesus.

Here are some things to keep in mind as you point kids to Jesus in correction:

Check your motives.

     Are you wanting to "drop the hammer” because you're angry? Are you avoiding disciplining your child because it’s too hard? We need to make sure our motivation is to help our kids become more like Jesus. If we do, we’ll avoid both correcting in anger and not correcting at all.

Connect your discipline to God's Word.

     Children need to know the reason behind discipline. Never correct your kids without teaching them how to behave in light of God's Word. Help them to see not just what they did wrong, but what they can do right next time. Share a verse or passage of scripture that teaches them how God wants them to behave.

Right the wrong.

     Give your children the opportunity to apologize and make amends. For young kids, you might need to walk them through what to say and what to do. For older children, remind them they should make things right and give them a chance to act. This is also a great moment to teach the other person how to show forgiveness and unconditional love.

Include consequences. 

     If there aren't consequences involved in discipline, it isn’t much more than a conversation. Far from being cruel, providing an age appropriate consequence teaches kids that their negative actions can bring negative results. Hebrews 12:11 says, “No discipline is enjoyable while it is happening - it’s painful! But afterward, there will be a peaceful harvest of right living for those who are trained in this way."

Celebration

     The other side of the coin is celebrating your kids' good behavior. Surprisingly, this is also a difficult time to point kids to Jesus. If your kid does something awesome - like great work on a school assignment or helping a sibling without being asked - it's far too easy to simply say “Good job! I’m really proud of you.” What’s wrong with complimenting your child? Nothing in and of itself. But if you never go any further and point to Jesus in your compliments, it opens the door to selfishness, pride, and behavior that's motivated by people-pleasing and not serving God.

     Changing our compliments to things like: “That was awesome, I love it when you live out your faith in Jesus by…” or “Great job winning that race, God has certainly gifted you.” Small tweaks to our compliments keep everyone's focus in the right place.

     In discipline, in celebration, and in every situation, we must remember to point to Jesus in our words, actions, and attitudes.